Full disclosure (White Noise!): I wasn’t born and raised in Los Angeles. My history of moves could make a chess master blink uncaringly because those guys are, like, autistically emotionless when they’re playing. But living in Los Angeles for any extended period of time is a bit like sleeping on a bench at the zoo because you can’t afford rent and you kind of like the zoo a lot: eventually you start to see that the tiger always takes his afternoon nap in that one particular place, and that one local monkey doesn’t like anybody. Everybody’s got patterns and you don’t need to live in Los Angeles your whole life to pick up on them. That happens on it’s own. When you fight monsters, you must be careful you don’t become a monster yourself.
I was asked to write this article as part of an ongoing series of “You Know…” lists for Matador: 12 signs you were born and raised in Los Angeles. It may not be genuinely “from” Los Angeles, but think of it more like a nature documentary, with David Attenborough commentating on the bizarre habits of the creature some call the Angeleno.
And because you’ve gotta have some reason to come to this blog first, let’s take a look at some things that didn’t make the list but are equally true:
- You don’t go to the beach – It’s not entirely accurate – sometimes those heat waves just get to be too much – but people outside of California vastly overestimate the time Angelenos spend at the beach. Much of the city is an hour’s drive from the beach with traffic, and once you factor in parking and all that, it’s usually easier to just get drunk, set up a slip-n-slide in the front yard, and pretend you’re having a nice time.
- If you’re not wearing jeans, you’re naked – Seriously, I don’t know what it is about LA, but it could be 100 degrees and people would still wear jeans. Shorts just aren’t a thing. Except board shorts. And who wears board shorts when they’re not at the beach? And who goes to the beach? It’s a vicious cycle.
- You couldn’t give a shit about celebrities – Stop asking if we’ve seen celebrities just because we live here. Even if we did, we probably wouldn’t recognize them until the car ride on the way home. I closed the elevator on Randy Jackson once. I’m not gonna hold that thing when you’re 50 feet away dude.
- You’ve never been in the space-looking restaurant at LAX – Seriously though, has anybody?